When talking to people about adoption one of the first questions I get is usually about whether or not I met Liam’s birth mom and whether I keep in contact with her still. The answer to both of those questions for me is yes, but it was a process during our waiting that got me to the point that I wanted it that way.
When we began our adoption journey I was terrified of open adoption (I think new things are always a little intimidating). It made me really uncomfortable, but as I learned more over our years of waiting it seemed less and less scary. I was actually really excited to be able to meet and get to know Liam’s birth mom, B. She is amazing and I love her like she’s my sister. It amazed me how quickly I felt that love towards her. In fact it wasn’t long after Liam was born that I shared with her all of our identifying information and felt totally at peace with the decision—something I would never have dreamed was possible when we started our adoption journey.
Let’s get to the terminology. Again, this is my understanding of these things and if I’m incorrect feel free to let me know (nicely please).
Closed adoption: This is when you don’t meet or know any identifying information about the birth mom and you don’t have contact after the adoption. Sometimes the birth mom doesn’t even choose you, the agency does it for her. It wasn’t that long ago that this is how most adoptions were and I can imagine it must have been difficult for the birth family to have no idea of what kind of family life their birth child had after placement.
Semi-open adoption: This is when only non-identifying information is shared. Most everything is usually done through the agency to keep confidentiality, but there is still communication between birth parents and adoptive parents and sometimes even a face to face meeting. Contact after placement is usually pictures and letters that are sent through the agency or with the use of PO box address to keep confidentiality.
Open adoption: This is when both parties have identifying information about each other. Usually there is at least one face to face meeting before placement if not more. After placement contact depends on the agreement, but can include pictures, letters, phone calls, and face to face meetings.
I don’t think it’s fair to say that any one kind of openness is better than any other because there are so many different adoption situations out there. There are times when it is better for the child to have no contact with a birth parent for whatever reason. In an ideal world I suppose most adoptions would be open and everyone would respect the boundaries and privacy of everyone else, but that doesn’t always happen. I love our open adoption because I know that someday Liam will have questions about his adoption that only his birth mom has the answers to. I hope when that time comes she will be willing to share the answers with him. I love that he has more people that love him and care about him and I love the relationship we have with B. It is perfect for us.
The thing I think is most important on this topic is not to promise things to a birth mother that you don’t know for sure you can deliver. I hate hearing the awful stories about adoptive parents that have promised all kinds of openness to their birth mom only to not follow through causing all kinds of heartache and hard feelings. I realize there are unexpected situations that sometimes require adoptive parents to take a step back, but that should be the exception not the rule.
If you aren’t sure what kind of openness you are comfortable with talk to other adoptive parents and find out how they deal with it in their adoption. See how it works for them and ask what to consider in making your decision. Talk to as many different people as you can because there’s so much to learn and everyone has a different experience to draw from. I’m continually learning and gaining a better understanding with the help of others.
There you have it. The basics of openness in adoption. Any questions?
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